Searching for Anna Chapter 5 Will's Goodbye

 

Searching for Anna By Jenifer Carll-Tong

Chapter 5 - Will's Goodbye

"Naw, Pheebs, like this," Will said, dropping to the ground on his belly. "Ya gotta keep your whole body flat and crawl with your arms and legs."

Phoebe rolled her eyes as she dropped to the ground. The last thing she wanted to do was get her dress dirty, but mama had said to play with Will outside, so she guessed she had no choice.

"Why do we have to do it like this?"

"Cause, that's how they do it in the army. Keeps you safe from bullets."

"There ain't no bullets in my momma's garden."

"Maybe not now, but you never know. Besides, you don't know what dangers you'll face out there in the world. Someday you'll be glad I taught ya this," young Will said with a wink.

Phoebe awoke with a start. It had only been a dream, but it was more. It was a memory; one she had long ago forgotten. But it was flooding back to her now. She remembered Will’s insistence that they pretend to be army soldiers, even though at the time Phoebe had no idea what that meant. She also remembered how much trouble she got into for ruining her new dress with grass stains. But what she remembered most was the infuriating wink.

The past two days had been quite uneventful for Phoebe. In fact, they had been downright boring. Without her studies to keep her busy, she found them long and tedious. She tried busying herself with helping her mother, but there wasn't much to do. She tried reading her Bible, but found her mind constantly drifting off in one of two directions.

The one direction led her thoughts to the letter. She had always assumed the Lord would provide a husband whom she could support, perhaps even work alongside with, in his ministry. Could God be calling her to minister alone? She had never considered that. And so far from home, away from her friends and family, away from her entire support system? She felt confident in her preaching skills, she had been well trained in that, but there was so much more to pastoring a church than just speaking well. How could she manage such a calling on her own?

But what if this was what God had been preparing her for all along? The thought was both frightening and curious at the same time.

When she wasn't consumed with thinking about the letter, her mind ran another path…a path that led to Will, and it irritated her.

As much as she tried to convince herself that she only thought of him because he irritated her so, her own mind betrayed her with the memory of his face, made even more handsome in the moonlight as he smiled down at her. She couldn't escape the memory of being held in his arms or the faint scent of masculinity that seemed to emanate from him as he held her close against his chest. These thoughts stirred something in her that she didn't understand, and it angered her. How could she allow her emotions to be so affected by a rascal such as Will Caffey?

As she paced the floors, her mind kept replaying the moments after she'd fallen off the stairs. She couldn't get over the way her treacherous heart raced at the sensation of being once again held tightly against his chest, even as he smirked down at her. Every time she walked past the window, she glanced out at the front stairs, and replayed the scene in her mind, sometimes with anger, other times with puzzlement.

Imagine her surprise when, on one of those occasions, she in fact did see Will. He had just dismounted and was tying his horse to a post.

Phoebe stepped onto the porch. When he saw her, Will took off his hat and grinned. He placed one foot on the bottom stair and rested his elbow on his knee.

"Good afternoon, Phoebe," he said, his lip curling.

"Good afternoon. Come to invite yourself to dinner again?"

"I wish I could. Is your father home?”

Phoebe had expected an irksome flirtation, but the serious look on Will's face gave her pause.

"Oh, I – I mean, yes. Please – come in."

Phoebe led Will to the dining room, embarrassed at the assumption that he had been looking for her. Reverend Albright sat reading, preparing his message for the following Sunday.

"William, my boy!" Her father stood up and extended his hand. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Thank you, sir," he said. "Could I have a moment of your time? There's something I'd like to discuss with you – in private, if I may?"

Both men looked at Phoebe. "Oh, of course," she replied, turning on her heels and quickly leaving the room.

In the hallway, Phoebe caught her little sister eavesdropping.

"He wants to talk to Daddy alone?" she whispered.

"Yes," Phoebe whispered back. "So that means just that, alone. Now you go on, or else I'll tell Daddy what you're doing."

"Do you think he's asking Daddy for your hand in marriage?"

"What? Don't be absurd!"

"Well, what else would he need to talk to Daddy about in private?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Sarah, our father is a minister. People come to see him all the time, and most of the time for private conversations."

"But not Will. He's never done that."

"Sarah, mind your own business. Now off with you!" Phoebe said, shooing Sarah toward the parlor.

She picked up the letter from Frank Berger off the table by her father's chair and slipped it into her pocket. As she headed for the stairs, she glanced once more toward the dining room. She knew that she shouldn't peek in, but she couldn't stop herself. Will sat with his head bowed, as did her father - they were praying together.

Phoebe quickly climbed the stairs, ashamed that she had spied in on such a private moment.

Once upstairs, she pulled the letter out of her pocket and read it. There were other pleasantries that you would expect in a post, but the main purpose of the letter was just as her father had said. There were churches that needed pastors. Rev. Berger spoke of the number of women pastors that were coming out of college and wondered if Phoebe would consider taking a church in the north.

Her mind kept spinning around the thought of leaving home and heading to the Upper Peninsula. There were so many reasons why she should not do it. She was a woman, and a single one at that. And, as Esther and her mother had pointed out, the conditions in the Upper Peninsula were much harsher than they were in Mid-Michigan. Yet, somewhere inside of her was a desire to try, even if only temporarily, until a proper pastor could be found. Surely, she could help out until then? If only she had found a husband in Bible College.

Without meaning to, her thoughts turned to Will and she remembered the image of him praying with her father in the dining room downstairs. Was Will alright? What could have been so important that he couldn't have discussed it in front of her?

Could Will Caffey have some sort of dark secret? Phoebe laughed at the thought.

Then a worse thought came to her… what if Sarah were correct? What if Will was asking for her hand in marriage? Hadn't he been very attentive, even flirtatious since picking her up from the train station? And hadn't her father hinted as much, saying that Will had "intentions”?

Father wouldn't agree, would he? She tried to convince herself. She couldn't believe that her father would ever consent to something so sudden, but Reverend Albright seemed to have a great respect for Will. He had an honorable occupation and could support a family. And what did Phoebe have going for her? A college degree with no plan for which to use it.

"Oh my gosh!" she said out loud. "Daddy may actually wed me off to Will Caffey!"

She had to put a stop to this. Privacy or not, she had to let both her father and Will know that she was not interested in marrying him!

As she rushed down the stairs, her father was just coming out of the dining room.

"Is something the matter, darlin'?" he asked.

Embarrassed, Phoebe slowed her descent. She wanted to appear as calm and collected as possible when speaking with the two men.

"I'm fine, Daddy," she said, looking beyond the reverend. "Where's Will?"

"Gone."

"Gone?" Phoebe said. But what of the proposal?

"Take a walk with me?" her father asked.

Phoebe nodded her agreement, still shocked, as her father spoke to Sarah.

"Tell your mother when she gets back from the Smiths that your sister and I will be back in time for supper."

Reverend Albright led Phoebe down the porch stairs and turned right toward downtown. Phoebe had expected to turn left toward the church, as her father was apt to do.

"Where are we going?"

"There's someone I need to visit. I thought you could keep me company on the walk."

They walked in silence for a few minutes, and Phoebe wondered if she should bring up her father's conversation with Will.

"Have you thought much about Dr. Berger's letter?" he asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"A little," she admitted.

They walked again in silence.

"And?" he eventually asked.

Phoebe took a deep breath. "I don't know, really. There are a lot of reasons why it is a preposterous idea."

"But…"

"But I am trained to do the work, and there is a need that has to be filled."

Reverend Albright motioned to a bench. They sat and he turned to look at her.

"Phoebe, God doesn't need you to accomplish his work."

"I know that Daddy. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills."

The pastor nodded. "Then answer me this...when you think about going north, does something happen inside of you? A stirring? A desire to go, even though you don't know what that means exactly?"

"Yes," she answered honestly.

"Have you been praying about it?"

"I have."

"Do you have an answer yet?"

"I – I don't know."

"Well, then, I guess we'll just pray some more."

Reverend Albright stood and offered his arm. She accepted and they continued walking until they had reached the front gate of Esther's house.

"Why didn't you tell me we were coming here?" she asked.

"Because I didn't know myself. Just knew we needed to visit someone."

The front door opened and out stepped Will.

"We meet again, Reverend Albright," he said, smiling at the preacher. "Phoebe," he said with a nod. "Do come in. I wish I could stay and chat, but I have things to attend to. Good day," he said before rushing off.

'Strange,' she thought, but didn't have time to dwell on it before her brother-in-law was ushering her and her father into the house. Esther was seated in a chair in the parlor.

"Oh, Phoebe! I've been hoping you'd come to visit."

Phoebe blushed. In all of her boredom, she never once thought to visit her pregnant sister. "I'm sorry, Esther. I promise I won't wait so long to visit again."

"So, what's new with you?" Esther patted the seat next to her. "Have you thought anymore about the church up north?"

"Actually, Father and I were just talking about it on the walk here," Phoebe said, preparing for another dose of her sister's opinions.

"And have you decided? Oh, I think it sounds like the most exciting adventure!"

Phoebe stared at her sister in disbelief. "Adventure? You said that you would worry too much if I went. You called it the Frozen Frontier, or something like that. Now it's an adventure?"

Esther laughed and waved a hand. "Phoebe, haven't you learned by now not to listen to my rantings? I was just shocked. You know that I'm in full support of women pastors, don't you? I think it's about time. Of course, I will miss you, but you are a strong, capable woman. And you still feel called into the ministry, don't you?"

"Well, yes, very much so."

"Well, then what's stopping you?"

Phoebe pondered that. What was stopping her? "It's just so far away, and the conditions would be so much more – more difficult than those to which I am accustomed."

"That's why it would be such an adventure!" her sister said excitedly. "Besides, I have faith that God will provide special protection for you. Remember, 'The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.' Do you trust in Him, Phoebe?"

That evening, Esther and John joined the Albrights for supper. They were just finishing when someone knocked on the door.

"I wonder who that could be," Mrs. Albright asked, starting to rise.

"I'll see to it," John said. He returned to the dining room, followed by Will.

"Good evening, Will," said Mrs. Albright. "You are just in time for dessert and coffee."

"Thank you, ma'am, but I didn't come to interrupt your dinner. I was hoping to speak with Phoebe."

All eyes turned to Phoebe.

"Oh – oh, of course," she answered, uncomfortable with the attention.

"I thought we could go for a walk, if that is alright with you, Reverend."

"Certainly. Why don't you join us afterward for coffee?"

Will didn't answer; it was as though he was waiting for Phoebe's response. As she pushed back her chair and started to rise, Sarah leaned over and whispered, "I told you so!"

Phoebe's stomach was in knots. She would have preferred to have avoided, rather than rejected, Will's proposal. She had never been in this situation, never having been courted by anyone. She clasped her hands to keep them from shaking.

"Don't forget your wrap this time," Will said. "It is a chilly night."

Phoebe clutched her shawl around her as they walked in silence, a silence she found very uncomfortable.

"You were right," she began. "It is chilly tonight."

"I'm sorry Phoebe, is it too cold? Would you like to go back?"

"No, no. I'm fine." She would much rather do this out of the watchful eyes of her entire family.

They walked in silence a little longer. 'He doesn't seem nervous,' she thought. How did he appear to her, she wondered. Thoughtful? Concerned? Almost…sad?

Since Phoebe couldn't avoid the conversation, she decided to hurry it along. "You wanted to speak with me?"

"Yes. Would you like to sit?"

"I'm actually enjoying the walk."

"Then we shall continue walking."

When they reached the same bench Phoebe had shared with her father only hours earlier, Will stopped and turned to face her.

"I'm leaving," he said bluntly.

"Leaving?" Her stomach dropped.

"Yes. I finally got my orders. I leave in the morning."

"Oh," she answered. Neither of them spoke for a moment as Phoebe struggled to understand the unexpected feeling of disappointment that assailed her.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

Phoebe couldn't explain feelings she did not understand, so she asked another question rather than answer his. "Are you being sent very far away?"

"Yes."

Will said nothing more until they stood together on the parsonage porch. Phoebe realized that his intent had not been to propose, but to say goodbye.

"Phoebe, my post is far away from here. I don't know when, if ever, I will be able to return to Lansing. I just wanted to be able to say goodbye to you, and to let you know that I – I will miss seeing you."

She wanted to tell him that she would miss seeing him as well, but she didn't want him to misinterpret her words.

"May I write you? Once I am settled?"

"Of course, I would like that." Her own words shocked her. In truth, she would like to hear from him, but she was afraid he would think her accepting him as a suitor. If she were to accomplish God's call on her life, she could never consider a man like Will Caffey, or any other potential suitor not called to ministry. Being the wife of a Michigan State Constable was a noble thing, but it wasn't God's plan for her. If she married, she would be giving up her career.

What about Anna? a quiet voice inside asked.

Anna is different, Phoebe thought. She was able to continue her dream because her husband allowed her to continue working. Other men would not be so modern. Phoebe knew this well. She had seen it many times in Bible College - smart, dedicated women studying for the ministry right alongside of the men, until they married a farmer or an automobile worker. Then, they were resigned to the life of wife and helpmate. No, Phoebe could not consider any man other than a pastor so as to complete God's call on her life.

Will smiled, oblivious to her inner turmoil. "Please say my goodbyes to your family. I have to get back to the barracks to pack." He nodded and bounded down the stairs.

"Will?" Phoebe called. He stopped at the bottom, turned and looked at her.

"Yes Pheebs?"

"I – I don't want to mislead you. If it is your hope that I will wait for you, that – that this is the beginning of a long-distance courtship, well, then, you need to understand that I am not – I …" she trailed off. She took a deep breath and began again. "I'm not interested in putting my life on hold, or ignoring God's call on my life, for you or for any man. I'm sorry if that is a shock to you or injures you. That is not my intent."

Will smiled up at her, his eyes dancing in the gleam of the streetlights. He placed his foot on the second step then leaned his elbow on his knee, as seemed to be his habit when speaking with her.

"I wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for me, Pheebs. And I certainly don't want you to ignore God's calling. Just the opposite. I pray you find the answers to His call on your life, just like I have."

Another nod, and he turned to go.

"Will?"

He chuckled and returned to the bottom of the stairs, looking up at her. "At this rate, I'll be here in the morning for breakfast," he laughed.

"I just have one more question. Are you happy with your new post? Is it what you were hoping for?"

"I think it will be, but only time will tell," he said with his signature smirk. "I'll let you know, I promise." And then he was gone.

When Phoebe returned to the dining room, conversation ceased, and everyone looked at her.

"He is leaving. He has been given his new assignment," she said. They continued watching her, as if anticipating something more. "That is it. He asked me to say his goodbyes to everyone. He had to return to headquarters to ready himself."

She again took her seat at the table. Nobody spoke. Something felt strange, and then it occurred to her – nobody seemed surprised. She looked up at her father.

"You knew, didn't you. About Will leaving. That's why he came to see you this morning."

"Yes, that is part of the reason," her father answered.

"And you?" Her eyes zeroed in on her sister and John, who looked guiltily at one another.

"Yes. We knew," John answered. "Will came to say goodbye to me this afternoon. He asked us not to say anything to you. He wanted to tell you himself."

"Well, I don't know what all the fuss was about," Phoebe said. "Why did he feel the need to speak with me privately if everyone else already knew?"

"Well, I didn't know!" exclaimed Mrs. Albright. "This is a shock to me."

"I'm shocked as well," Sarah added. "I thought he was here tonight to propose to Phoebe."

"Don't be preposterous!" Phoebe snapped. "Men don't go around proposing to women they aren't courting!"

"Agreed," said Esther, speaking up finally. "But, to answer your question, Phoebe, I believe all the fuss was maybe Will's hope – his way of giving you one last chance to show some affection toward him."

"I have no affection for Will. I do wish him the best, but that is all."

"Well, enough of this chatter about proposals and affection. Tell us, dear. Where is Will's new posting?" asked Mrs. Albright.

"I have no idea," she said, to her own amazement. "I never asked."

"You didn't ask?"

"Oh, now mother," said Esther. "I am sure Will will write as soon as he can and tell us all about it. Now," she said, rising from her chair. "Shall we play something in the parlor? How about a game of chess, Phoebe? I'm sure I'm not as formidable of a foe as your last opponent, but I'm not terrible either."

"Not tonight," Phoebe said, standing as well. "It's been a long day and I think I will turn in early."

She said goodnight and as the rest of the family headed for either the parlor or the kitchen, Phoebe headed for the stairs. She placed her hand on the rail just as someone else placed a hand on hers.

"Don't worry," Esther began, "I don't think this is the last you have seen of Will Caffey."